So you know I moved to Oxford last year for 6 months to work on one of my accounts (HOTTY TODDY). It's my home away from home and I love getting away up there. But somewhere in that time, I also became more discontent with God than I've ever been before. I found myself absolutely worn down. In all areas, and rather than recognize, be wise and rest, I kept going full force.
You see, I've always tried to fight through my circumstances. I will wait, I would tell myself. He is good. He will come. But I have always waited for that special man. The one who God has created to be with me, and I with him. I found myself always looking at tomorrow and neglecting today. Today was not good enough, for I had not found the one whom my soul loves. What I lost sight of was that waiting means I wait on God. Seek his love alone. Period. I was looking so forward to the future that my heart was sick in the present.
Do you know what being discontent, lonely, angry at God brings? A very hard, trying, sad time. It is difficult admitting this because I long with all that I am to be a sweet, loving, fun, and happy person. Always. It was difficult. I stopped exercising, I stopped calling people back. What happened?
And then my sweet family, my sweet, sweet family at the right time.... "Amy, you need fellowship. You are sad, you aren't eating well, you aren't exercising. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and go bless someone. Get out and go help someone in need." I didn't deny. I agreed.
Y'all, I say none of this to freak you out..... I am boldly showing my shortcomings.....I say this to show you that losing sight of the love God has for you is dangerous. Being outside of fellowship that will uphold you, love you, call you into accountability is dangerous.
Where am I now? I'm seeking God with a heart of full abandon asking him to help me today. To show me his love today. To be focused completely on him hourly. We aren't promised tomorrow, and I do not want to continue to wish my life away. God has too much he wants to do with me (and you). Is it hard, yes. I have to confess my wandering heart and mind regularly. But I'm fighting. That's all I can do -- FIGHT.
Last night, I was looking for a special verse I love in Isaiah and the verse below caught my eye. I cannot tell you how many times I have asked God why he had foresaken me. This life we live, this love we have, it's all from him. For him. Be loved. Love him. After all, we only love because he first loved us.
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